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Friday, 3 February 2017

31/1/17

31/1/17
23.57

First of all happy third anniversary dear beloved phone. Sedar tak sedar dah 3 tahun pakai Samsung neo ni. Harung susah senang bersama, hilang entah berapa kali tapi kalau dah jodoh tak kemana, gitu..
Okey. Actually lately ni stress sangat sangat sangat! depress? Entah macam tak.
Stress sebab apa? Studylah apa lagi T T. serious macam lembab sangat. study tak masuk. Tiap kali kelas tuto rasa nak nangis je. Frust tak faham apa padahal classmate lain okey je boleh buat. Stress haritu test, formula tak ingat. I never get such mark, but I broke the record, I get below 40/50! Below okey below! It pissed me off. Hurm,, stressnya,, penat sangat since before Chinese new year, tunggu cuti sebab nak lari dari semua ni. Kadang rasa lepas hbis matrik tak nak sambung belajar je, tapi,, fikir pasal family, sanggupkah kau khalifah?? Sanggup?
And cakap pasal lari, I don’t know why,, but maybe running is my favourite? Because when I can’t go through certain thing, I just wanna run away, at least from that place, or maybe from that person. I just can afford stand at that place where I feel down. And I don’t know sampai bila je I can hold this tear. Kadang dia nak keluar, but I hold it because depan orangkan, malulah sikit.
And that one friend yang suka cerita itu ini pasal orang itu ini. She went there, he go there, I went there what so ever, don’t u know my level of insecurity?? I can’t afford to go such place, even I wish I can go within this young age. I don’t have license, I don’t even have a car. My family is just a normal family. we can’t afford to go holiday. And one and only thing I wanna do is backpacking, public transport, with small amount of budget. That’s all. Tapi siapa je nak ikut? Everyone wanna stay in hotel, eat pricey food, don’t wanna ride public transport.
Oh my god. This is the reason why I dislike being close with people, because ended up ill just figure their lackness and I can’t bear to be by their side especially those from wealthy family. Stop lah cerita itu ini semata2 nak tunjuk dekat orang apa kau ada. Biarlah kau dengan kebahagiaan kau, dan kami dengan kebahagiaan kami. Stop it dear friend, u don’t know me, and im getting scare to open up with people, I just scare to get close with someone.
Aku tak tahu apa masalah aku. Aku cuba pujuk hati cakap kau nak kongsi kebahagiaan kau, tapi kau sendiri macam melebih. Aku rasa nak lari dari kau. Bila fikir apa kau ada and apa aku ada. Aku tak mampu nak teruskan semua ni.
Aku rasa diri aku yang lama makin muncul sikit demi sedikit, and when I look at my wrist the feeling to cut it getting stronger. I keep imagine holding the knife and cut it. But I hold myself, because it is not easy to stop. Not easy babe!
But to hold all of this mentally burden by myself, also not easy. I love to be friend with you. But sometime the voice in my head has cross the line. All the stupid voices, I don’t know how to handle it. Aku tak kuat tuhan. Lend me your strength. Aku dah tak nak lari. Sampai bila aku nak lari?? Aku kena deal dengan semua ni,, ni battle aku, takkan aku nak biar orang lain fight untuk aku?

Kau boleh khalifah! Confident. Jangan biar the old u control yourself. KAU BOLEH!

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