Guess what, I have end my matriculation life about a month ago,, and 2 days more the result will be release. I guess I have change to someone better or maybe still the same? Don’t know. Still wonder what will be my reaction as I know the result. Will I be thankful and reda or still the same old khalifah, Regret. Never satisfied unless it is the best even though she knows that she can’t get the best. Oh my god, come to your sense.
Okey I have change. I HAVE! And for the new me, I will accept whatever written for me. I can go through this life and further my studies even the result is not so good. I still can get what I dream, pursue what I want and be whom I want to be without 4.00 . I hope so.
I know I have no gut, no confidence, I just a plain me. But I did mention before, I want to be as good as khalifah. I believe I can, I know I can. But I need something, something I don’t have in myself. It is something I want since in primary school and up till now I still don’t have it, WoW! I tried and failed! And tired of trying.
Can we just drop the subject? Yes for sure, why not?
A part of me missing certain people who once come in my life and now not in front of my eyes for such a long time. I wonder how my friends still connected to each other. I mean, what are they talking about? Okey, kill me. There are lot of topic to talk about but yeah when it comes to me, I don’t know what should be the topic to chat with them. I miss them T T. I miss how closed we were. I miss all the sincere laugh and not the fake smile. I wish I can turn back time and change my behavior. No I don’t want to wish something like this. Let bygones be bygone! And I can start a new me. In fact, I have start a new me since I left school. (but voices in my head, I don’t know to handle it)
Then, I still can continue our friendship, its not like we were fighting right, it just,, it turn out lame,, I…… I don’t know why I do all that, I just feel I don’t belong. It kills me. Every time I think bout it. The feeling of not being good enough, pretty enough, wealthy enough, I’m just a normal girl who have nothing! Those thought kill me. Made me stupid that I don’t realize we all have something others don’t have. We all are special! But I was so blind that I can’t see the special in myself. I ended up choose to be a loner. And live with the thought in my head and I swear, sometime I wish I can end all of that early. I don’t hate my friends, I hate myself! I used to hate myself so much that I rather spent my evening alone in the class instead of join them. I don’t know. I was stupid.
And now, my best friend, nope I don’t think he consider me as his best friend, but for me, he is. I want to have a chit chat with him. But I don’t think he want it.. I want to say hye and ask bout his life and maybe share the happiness or the sadness anything. I better shut my mouth, hold my hand and just let him with his life right? He must be fucking hate me right now for keep bothering his life. Im sorry. Really, I just want to talk, I don’t trust people, but I trust you
I’ll let u with your life. I won’t disturb u anymore. (bite my lip) it turn out so sad to say something like this, but I bet this is what u want. Sampai bila nak kacau life kau kan?